Fiona's Blog: Can the Perfectionist Girl Really Have it All?

In a recent college interview, I was asked what I thought were the biggest issues facing women in this country today. I initially responded with the fact that women still do not receive equal pay for equal work. But then another issue came to mind.While it may not be as clear-cut, I think the fact that many women in this country feel that it’s a big struggle to have both a family and a job becomes a more relevant feminist issue every day. In fact, I find myself thinking about this issue more as I grow up, prepare to leave home, and adjust my goals accordingly.Recently I read an article in The New York Times called “New Goal for Women? Rising Above Having it All,” by Katrin Bennhold. The article discusses the pressure women put on themselves to have it all—a happy family, a good career, a great body—and argues that setting these impossible-to-reach goals is what’s ultimately holding women back from gaining positions as global power brokers. Bennhold asserts that men are able to achieve high-power positions in part because they are realistic about their goal-setting: they focus on their careers and nothing else.But what about the gender-biased nature of our society? Bennhold argues that, while flawed systems such as childcare make it more difficult for women to progress in their chosen careers, we can’t hold those systems entirely accountable. Bennhold cites Sweden, where social programs such as the childcare system are greatly advanced and gender-neutral, yet women still aren’t rising to highly powerful positions.Reading Bennhold’s article got me thinking more about goal-setting, goal achievement, and their possible linkage to women’s progress.

Is it really true that women set more ambitious, and harder to achieve goals than men do? Do we stretch ourselves too thin? Ought we just admit that we can’t have it all?

I don’t know, but I can tell you that unrealistic goal-setting starts early.Ever since elementary school, I’ve heard girls my age call themselves perfectionists, while I’ve never heard a single boy utter those words about himself. As a general rule (and I stress the word general—there are definitely exceptions to this), the girls I know set higher academic standards for themselves than most of the guys I know—something reflected in the growing academic standing of girls all over the country. Apparently some colleges are even being forced to practice a form of “gender affirmative action” for boys, because they have so many overqualified female applicants.As a general rule, the girls I know also set higher physical standards for themselves. They lament their lack of exercise, make weight-and appearance-related New Year’s Resolutions (something Bennhold mentions as an example of overreaching goal-setting). Perhaps girls are simply more self-evaluative. We certainly are more critical of ourselves. Girls I know criticize their own appearances, regret social decisions, and beat themselves up about their grades more than boys.

So, maybe girls do set unrealistic expectations for themselves. Can you blame them, though? Our society seems to be in a sort of cultural limbo when it comes to portrayals of women. We are bombarded with sexual images of women in provocative positions with unattainable bodies, who seem to indicate that our role in society is to look good, yet we are also told to be strong and smart and reach for the highest career paths we can.

To top it all off, the media loves to tell us that men can’t be caretakers, whether it be through bumbling husband characters in commercials, or sitcom portrayals of working dads who spend their free time watching football on the couch with their buddies, rather than with their kids. This combination of images leaves us with a paradoxical, imagined woman as our role model.Do I want to be thin, pretty, smart, powerful, and motherly? Of course. Is it time that I come to terms with the fact that it may be impossible to achieve all of that? Maybe. Then again, every bone in my body tells me that doing so would mean giving up in some way. When I interviewed Barnard President Debora Spar in 2010, she told me that she believes the increased choices for women today come at a price.  “All of this choice can create a fair amount of anguish,” she said. “Life for women is better now, but it’s often more complicated. Women in the ‘50s knew what they could or couldn’t do. We’re in a danger zone right now…Girls need to realize you can have it all, but it won’t always work out perfectly.”So, maybe all us perfectionists need to consider that for a while.Fiona Lowenstein is a high school senior, weekly guest blogger and Girls Leadership Institute alumna. Read more of her work here.