Guest Blog: What if Some Women Don't "Want It All"?
by Rosemarie Coppola-Baldwin
Recently, Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, was interviewed about “having it all” as a wife, mother and successful professional woman. Ms. Sandberg made some excellent points about the division of labor in the household for both men and women to be successful parents and professionals. But something irritated me about the larger message.“Having it all.”What, exactly, does that mean for women? Who set that standard? And, more to the point, what if some women don’t want it “all”?After I gave birth to my second child, I decided to stay at home with her for a few years before returning to the workforce. (I had more quickly returned to work when my son was born four years earlier; he spent his days in group daycare from the time he was six months old.) Suddenly, I was riddled with guilt for not “working” – although round the clock care for an infant and toddler, is, I have learned, much harder than going to the office. And, during that time, I was told by more than one female colleague that I was wasting my law degree by changing diapers.Part of me agreed with them. Why?
From the time I was a small child, my school, family and community instilled in me the ambition to (and the belief that I could) have it all: a family, a successful career, a large circle of friends, a fashionable exterior, and the time to give back to my church and community. It never occurred to me that I, or other women, might not want that. And as I nursed my newborn daughter daily at 3:00 am, I would sometimes wonder: why is it not OK to not want it all right now, all at the same time?
Was I missing some “need to have it all” chip? Watching Ms. Sandberg’s interview suddenly made me feel, well, like an underachiever. Like there was something wrong with me.During my years as a stay-at-home mom, I met so many other mothers who ran the gamut from working full time, to working part time, to staying home full time. Virtually every woman I met was not content with her situation or decision. They each seemed to feel guilty about something. Work. School. Homework. Missed birthdays. Missed deadlines. Laundry. It wasn’t really about splitting the chores at home. No, the issues seemed to revolve around expectations the women, and society, had put on them to do everything. All at the same time.And worse, we felt judged by other women.
If you worked, you weren’t a dedicated mother. If you stayed home, you were lazy. After all these years, weren’t we past this type of judgment? Didn’t every woman and mother need to make a decision that was best for her and her family? And shouldn’t it be acceptable if those choices were different? That, to me, remains the ultimate litmus test for the true liberation of women. I want my daughter to be able to choose her path without judgment or guilt, and instead with confidence, self-awareness and integrity
Over these past few years, I’ve also come to know mothers who work because they desperately need the income, or the health benefits, or both. Other moms I know want to work, but simply can’t afford quality childcare. Still others I know don’t want to contract out childcare services; they want to do it themselves. Everyone’s situation is different. And yet, I found that few women find their situations acceptable to themselves – or other women. And let’s admit it, what other women think matters to us, even if it shouldn’t.That is not to discount Ms. Sandberg’s contentment and accomplishments as a wife, mother and COO. Her accomplishments should be celebrated. But what about those moms (and dads!) who are content “just” staying home? Isn’t there value in their work on the home front and in their sacrifices? Why are they not deemed to “have it all?” Maybe, to them, they do.After all, I’ve come to learn there is value in meeting the school bus, teaching your child how to add, and yes, changing diapers. It’s a different type of success than being a COO, but nonetheless, there is value in it. And yet, there is equal value in demonstrating to our daughters (and, maybe more importantly, our sons) that women can be good mothers while simultaneously working as leaders in their fields, such as being a COO.
In the end, I’ve come to believe that, for women, the true freedom to be fulfilled and content is heavily contingent upon us being honest with ourselves and courageously recognizing what we need to be successful as mothers, leaders, and partners.
We need to own our choices and not make excuses for them – or worse – make choices we think other women would want us to make. And we need to teach our daughters early on that their career paths will be riddled with challenges, but that they have within them the courage, integrity and self-confidence to choose wisely, despite what others may think of those choices.It took years for me to appreciate the value in what I’ve done (and am doing) for myself and my children, both as a full time working mom and as a full time stay at home mom. Not working outside the home didn’t make me an underachiever any more than working outside the home made me an absentee mother. We all do the best we can in the situations we are in, and until we as women – we as a society, even – recognize the value in women being able to make courageous choices without critical judgment, none of us – men or women – can truly “have it all.”Rosemarie Coppola-Baldwin is a practicing attorney and a dedicated mother of two children. A Georgetown University graduate, Rosemarie has practiced law at a major New York City law firm and for the City of New York. Rosemarie has been a guest lecturer on women’s civil rights and related legal issues at St. John’s University (New York), and offers pro bono legal services to a variety of entities.