Ask Rachel: My Best Friend is My Bully

Hi Rachel,There is a girl that I was best friends ever since kindergarten. Throughout our friendship I always felt that she would wait for a better offer to come along than me, and if it would, she would dump me. Finally last spring I told her that I didn't want to be friends any more because I was sick of her treating me badly and I was done. Ever since then, she seems like she is out to get me. It's like she doesn't want me to have any friends since I told her I don't want to be her friend anymore. Just a few days ago she tried to turn my really good friend against me by lying that I had told everyone about my really good friend's parents divorce. I feel like she is purposefully going after this one really good friend and trying to be soooo nice to her. She is so sly I don't think any one else sees it since she goes out of her way to be really really nice to them. She tells others that she is not trying to be mean to me.She lies really well and denies everything that she does and blames it all on me. Every time I try to talk to someone new it's like she tries to get to know them too and then turn them against me. It's creepy and sick. I don't know if I should confront her or just keep my distance. I don't want to tell the school counselor about all of this because I'm afraid she'll get even meaner and no one will see it. I don't know what to do. I can't take it any more. I really am very paranoid and mad about what she is going to do next to get at me. She is ruining school for me.Bullied by best friend (this letter was shortened)Dear Bullied,Wow. You've got a real doozy on your hands. I can't imagine how hard it must be to go to school every day and face her, not to mention the destruction she is wreaking. By the way, is this her yearbook picture?Kidding.Getting bullied by a best friend is more common than most people realize. Part of loving someone is being willing to put up with their bad sides. But some of us become, well, too tolerant. We relax our boundaries and allow people we love to make us feel small - because we love them, or we fear we can't find someone better. We forgive and forget, or we try to. In these situations, losing the relationship feels more painful than staying in it.There are a lot of girls who, like you, endure the controlling and degrading behavior for years before speaking up. So let's start off by giving you huge props for actually walking. You set yourself free, and that's no small thing.But you obviously have another problem. You have a stalker. If she can't have you, no one can. So far, you say you haven't told an adult. I think you should. Even if your stalker does her denial thing, at least maybe she gets warned and watched. When you talk to the counselor, be very specific about what she's doing. I'd even put it in writing. Don't stop there, either; talk to the assistant principal, too. She's the one usually responsible for disciplining, anyway. And if you can supply dates with your incident report, do it.I also think you need to confront your ex-friend. If it were me, I'd probably say something like this (in person or on the phone, but not via text or chat): "I need you to stop talking to other people about me and interfering with my relationships. I respect the fact that you may be friends with some of the same people I am, but what happened between us is our business. I'm asking you to respect me by not bringing up my name and letting me move on." You can practice with a parent or friend to make you feel more comfortable with the words.Truth is, she'll probably deny it and get defensive, but at least you're saying your piece. Lastly, I'd identify two really close, trusted friends and ask them for your support right now. Put yourself out there and ask for help. That doesn't mean asking them to trash your stalker behind her back. I'm talking about being there for you at school so you can feel secure and supported during this difficult time.This is a tough situation, don't get me wrong - especially if this girl has a lot of power. But if you're strong enough to walk away from her, I have faith in you that you can step forward, set boundaries and speak your mind. Good luck.