Ask Rachel: How Do I Overcome My Shyness?

Dear Rachel,My entire life, I’ve been kept from really living by my shyness. There have been too many situations to count where I could’ve done so much, I could’ve enjoyed more, and I could’ve been happier if I hadn’t been so timid.Maybe it’s my self-consciousness: What will they think of me if I go out and play sports? What will they say about me joining this? That’s always in my mind when I make a decision. I want to live free, be confident, and be myself. What can I do?–Nikki Dear Nikki,So many people disconnect from what’s going on inside them. High five for being self-aware enough to know something doesn’t feel right! Sitting on the sidelines of life is very painful. If you think fear is holding you back, you’ll have to work hard to overcome it. It won’t happen overnight—you’ll have to invest time and effort in it every day (or almost!).

Here’s how you can start: First, spend some time really thinking about why you are so afraid of what other people think.

You might even want to write about it. Focus on these questions:Why do you think people care so much about what you do and say? What do you imagine they will think? How likely are your fears to come true (is there any evidence that people care as much as you think they do)? And if they were to come true, what’s the worst thing that could happen? Can you live with whatever that is? When people look their worst fears in the face, they are often surprised to learn those fears are not as awful as they thought.Once you’ve reflected, I want you to come up with one or two very small goals that may help you change some of your shy behavior. Maybe your goal will be to make eye contact with someone you’re normally too shy to look at. Or maybe it’s saying “hi” to someone you’ve never spoken to before, or texting someone new. The goal should be to do something that you are anxious about trying to accomplish—but it shouldn’t terrify you. If you pick something really scary, you’re unlikely to try it.If you can accomplish one small goal, come up with another one, then another one. Take it slow and focus on small changes you make to the way you act. Reach out to a friend who might be a cheerleader as you take on these risks.

Small changes lead to big ones. But big changes—trying to become a different person overnight—usually lead to defeat.

Trust me on that one. It’s like crash diets where you suddenly deprive yourself of food: They never work. Slowly changing your eating habits does.Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you won’t get rid of your shyness overnight either. But if you commit to small, reasonable changes, they will add up to something you—and others—will be able to see and celebrate. Good luck!RachelThis post originally appeared on Teen Vogue.