Ask Rachel: How Much Should I Share with New College Friends Online?
Dear Rachel,I'm nervous and excited about starting college. I've had a ton of friend requests from other people going to my school and I've been talking with some online. The other night I got into an intense chat with a girl who's going to be on my hall. I tweeted her something today but haven't heard anything back. Now I'm kind of wondering if I said too much about myself.Should I not be talking with people before school or what?—TMIDear TMI,Summer online chats with new college peeps are never just hey-what's-up conversations. They're big hot fudge sundaes of hope, excitement, anxiety, and fear about starting a new, unknown chapter of your life. When your feelings are dribbling all over the place, you're likely to engage in what psychologists call projection. That means giving someone characteristics that are more a reflection of your own feelings than what's really happening.Example: Let's say I'm worried about making new friends at school, so I start talking electronically to someone who lives in my dorm. I discover that we share a closet obsession with Suite Life of Zach and Cody reruns and that we attended the same camp but didn't know each other. Oh, and we're both obsessed with wedge heels.
ZOMG, I think to myself. She's soooooo sweet. She's so funny. She's so cool. Maybe making friends in college won't be as scary as I think.
Except, hi, I have no clue if this girl is genuinely funny or sweet or cool. All I know are a few facts about her, plus that she's an expert selfie poster and enjoys the liberal use of emojis and "xo"s. Deciding she's more than that is just an idea I have–a projection.Here's where the problem part happens.Once your projection-creating mind decides this person is your new biffle, you might go a little... off the deep end.A few nights in and you've told her some pretty private stuff. Two months later and that girl is coming to college with a duffel bag and some extremely intimate details about your life.She may very well become your best friend. I so hope she does. But she may also be jealous and insecure when she sees you having dinner with someone else; she may be a troublemaker who wants to bring you down with her; she may leave you in the dust when you need a shoulder to cry on.
You don't know if she's nice. You don't know if she's crazy. Why?Because you don't know her.
So, as you start forming online friendships with your very soon-to-be in-the-flesh breathing-the-same-air-as-you classmates, please keep these tips in mind:1. There is nothing you can do to eliminate the feelings of anxiety and fear you have about going to college. It's a normal part of the transition. It also means you care, and that's a good thing! See if you can sink into those feelings a little and try to accept them, instead of trying to find a way to make them go away.2. If you overshare online before a relationship has ripened to the point where disclosure is appropriate, it will make you seem desperate, just like it will offline. It will also lead to a hell of a lot of awkwardness when you see people you've said too much to in the bathroom, in class, and at parties.3. Oversharing online can make you feel connected to someone in the moment, but when the moment is over, the only thing that has really changed is that you just gave a piece of yourself away. There are no shortcuts to genuine friendship. Relationships are built over time.But if you find yourself logging on, remember: These feelings are normal. You are normal. Be patient, and the good things will come.Good luck!Rachel