De-Stressing Teen Girls: 5 Things NOT to Say

By Dr. Roni Cohen-Sandler

Ask teen girls about school-related stress, and you’ll probably hear about seemingly endless piles of homework, nonstop tests, not enough time, too little sleep and, most worrisome, the sense that no matter what they do, it’ll never be enough. That they’ll never be enough. There is a myriad of practical strategies that can effectively reduce girls’ stress and build their resiliency. But here is a short list of what teens usually say they wish their parents didn’t do. Interestingly enough, these 5 well-intentioned parental comments usually backfire, and often are the cause of even more stress. Here’s why you might consider avoiding them, and what you could say instead:1. "You can do anything you set your mind to!"You’ve probably said this in the hope of encouraging your daughter or fostering her self-esteem. The problem is, it just isn’t true. Everyone has limitations. Despite her hard work and diligent practice, for example, your daughter may never ace AP calculus or play competitive tennis. If you tell her she can, she might redouble her efforts—further exhausting herself and feeling like that much more of a disappointment if she doesn’t reach her goals. Instead, why not give your daughter some honest feedback? By talking with girls about their true strengths and weaknesses, we are helping them better understand themselves. This is vital not only for forming their identity, which is a chief developmental task of adolescence, but also for their general emotional health.2. "You have so many more opportunities than I did. You should take full advantage of them."In our desire to give our daughters the best of everything, we may give them the unfortunate message that they can—and should—do everything. But juggling hectic schedules and commitments that would humble most CEOs is contributing to girls’ sense that they can never do it all and do it well—making them feel inadequate and inept.

The truth is, they can’t do everything well; nor should they try. It is more prudent to talk with girls about making good choices and setting priorities, which are invaluable skills we want them to have for the rest of their lives.

3. "Just try your best!"As guidelines go, this beats, "You need to come in first" or "Nothing less than perfection." But vagueness invites problems. That’s because girls who desperately want to please read into such comments and typically imagine even loftier goals than their parents have in mind. For example, if you tell your daughter to try her best, she might think, "My mom expects nothing lower than an A" or "My dad thinks I should never let other team score a goal." That’s why it’s better to talk about specific changes your daughter can make to improve in school or activities—for example, not doing her homework on the bus, proofreading her papers, practicing her music, or keeping her school materials organized.4. "Your schoolwork is suffering! No more texting or i-chatting!"Sure, you want to encourage good study habits. But severing teen girls’ social ties makes them more anxious, resentful, and preoccupied, which further distracts them from their school work. So instead, it’s better to emphasize the principle, "Everything in moderation."

Encourage your daughter to set limits for herself. Provide only as much structure as your daughter needs to successfully follow through. In the long run, this strategy will pay dividends. Studies have shown that good self-discipline is far more important even than innate intelligence in determining academic success.

5. "Everything you do now counts for college!"With the frenzy about getting into college, many parents want to make sure their daughters are motivated, do well, and have plenty of choices available to them. Yet these anxious comments only trigger girls’ panic about their futures. As they say, "Do our parents think we ever forget about college, even for a minute?" Worse, focusing intensely on the single goal of getting into college robs girls of other vital experiences. The high school years are not the Pre-College Years. To encourage your daughter’s all-around growth, think of this as her time to learn about herself, acquire skills, discover her passions, and develop healthy relationships. So keep college talk to a minimum—and ask instead about what she’s enjoying, what she’s learning, and what would make her school experience even better.Dr. Roni Cohen-Sandler is the author of several books, including "Stressed Out Girls: Helping Them Thrive in the Age of Pressure." Get more information, and Dr. Cohen-Sandler’s free e-newsletter, Parenting 21st Century Teens: Issues and Solutions, here.