Guest Blog: When Mom Meets Everyone's Needs...But Her Own
by Rosemarie Coppola-Baldwin
A few weeks ago, I attended a semi-formal family event in Connecticut for the day, about three hours away from my home in New York City. For two days prior to the trip, I shopped and packed all the necessities my two little ones, ages 6 and 2, would undoubtedly require. After hours of planning – and with a car teeming with toys, clothes and endless snacks – we were on our way.Being the neat freak I am, I didn’t fully dress the kids (or myself) in our formal clothes for the long car ride. As I was putting my son’s suit jacket on when we arrived, I asked my husband to grab my own suit jacket from the car. He stared at me blankly. In a matter of seconds my meticulous plans came crumbling down around me.I had forgotten my suit jacked and would be attending this semi-formal function in a t-shirt.How could I have forgotten my own clothes? It seemed absurd, almost laughable. My children had multiple outfits in case of a spillage or potty emergency; they even had pajamas and comfortable clothes for the ride home. How could I not even remember one (very necessary!) item for myself?
As the tears welled up in my eyes, I acutely felt the crushing weight of all the responsibilities we shoulder as women and caregivers. We are always taking care of others around us: our kids, our partners, our friends, our co-workers and even our own parents. It is just so common to put our own needs aside for those people we care about – those people who we believe “need” us more than we need ourselves.
When I told a close mom friend about my wardrobe fiasco, she was immediately empathetic. Her response to me was, “We always manage to take care of everyone else around us before taking care of ourselves.” I agreed. But should it really be that way? What message am I sending my children – especially my daughter – when I put my own needs (and wants) aside for others? Am I communicating that I, as a mother, don’t matter? That once you have children what matters to you as a woman suddenly evaporates?There is a good reason that airlines give specific instructions for caregivers to first place an oxygen mask on themselves before attending to a small child in an emergency: if your basic needs are not met, there is no possible way you can successfully help another person.I think this reasoning is applicable to our daily lives as moms, women and caregivers.
We are trained from when we are very young to take care of those around us. Some of it is even instinctual, I would argue, judging from how my daughter would prefer to feed her dolls than crash her brother’s cars. But we need to take care of ourselves, too. And we need to learn when to triage those needs.
Sometimes, just getting a pedicure can save our sanity, and make us better parents and caregivers, because when we take time for ourselves, we suddenly have more energy – and arguably more inclination – to take care of those around us.Forgetting half of my suit was not exactly a life crisis. But it did teach me a life lesson to take some time to take care of me. And for the record, I wasn’t too embarrassed wearing a t-shirt and suit pants to a semi-formal event: every other mother in that room understood exactly how something like that could happen.Rosemarie Coppola-Baldwin is a practicing attorney and a dedicated mother of a two children. A Georgetown University graduate, Rosemarie has practiced law at a major New York City law firm and for the City of New York. Rosemarie has been a guest lecturer on women’s civil rights and related legal issues at St. John’s University (New York), and offers pro bono legal services to a variety of entities.