She's Nice to Me Online But Ignores Me at School
Dear Rachel,This popular girl that is in a few of my classes will Facebook chat me every night, and we talk and avoid our homework together. I think that we're getting closer, but then at school she ignores me. Why does she do this?--Shanice, 14Hey Shanice,Do you babysit? Mow the lawn? Cool...you have a part-time job. But here's the thing: You can't have a part-time friend. A true friend is with you 24/7, nothing less.This is really hard to say because I know you're hurting and I want to give you good news. But the reality is, if she's only nice to you online, she's just not that into you. Yeah, like that movie. I'm not saying she doesn't like you. She probably does - otherwise, why chat with you?Actually, there's two possibilities here: either she's not into you enough to acknowledge your existence in real life, or she's too enslaved to the rules of her group to connect with someone on the outside. Whatever the reason, she's blowing you off, and so far, you're putting up with it.
When you let someone be nice to you on their terms and schedule, you teach them that it's okay to do it. You give them permission to hurt you. Kind of like if you have a dog that jumps on you all the time. Give the dog a biscuit, and you'll keep getting jumped on. Keep talking to this girl online and letting her ignore you at school, and, well, you're the Biscuit Lady.
If I were you, I'd play hard to get and see what happens.Next time she chats you, just be like, "oh, hey, really busy right now, ttyl," like you're busy saving the world or hanging out with someone important. Or try this: "Hey, just helping a friend out with a drama, have a good night!" It may drive you crazy, but just try it. Trust me.We'll see if she comes running. If she does - and, hey, some people just love to be abandoned; it really gets them going - you can break it down for her.
I'd probably say something like this, "I love talking with you online, it's so fun to blow off homework together, but I feel like I don't really exist in your world at school. I totally get that you are super busy, but I don't really do online-only friendship. Can we try to hang out at school?" The message you send is that you respect yourself and take your relationships seriously. Because duh, you are that awesome.
If she doesn't come running, then you've just spared yourself any further attachment to a person who's not treating you well. I don't care, you might be thinking. I'd rather have some of her than none of her. That's your decision. Just remember the message you're sending and don't expect more. Ask and ye shall receive - or you won't. Either way, you'll know the score.