Why Am I So Angry at My Best Friend?

Dear Rachel,I am really angry with my best friend and I have no idea why or what I should do about it. We have been friends for 9 years, and we have always been very close because we have been through a lot together.Over the last few years T. has changed a lot, but I don't have an issue with change, I know I have changed too. The thing is she has become quite slutty and inconsiderate and for the first time ever she isn't honest with me.Now when I speak to her for an hour, I have to listen to 50 minutes of her and her boys until I get 10 minutes of her being herself, a really great fun person who I love. She keeps kissing people she shouldn't, when she has already been asked not to (brothers, cousins, ex boyfriends, people other people like) and as a result T. has lost a lot of her friends. I always defend her when this happens, but now she did a similar thing to me and lied to me about it.The thing is, I can't confront her about it because, every few weeks she has low moments when she cries about who she is and how she's a bad friend and lately I have really been struggling to argue with that.Then another thing, I accidentally got very drunk, it was the first (and last I really hope) time I have been so drunk and another friend of mine helped me. I would have thought T. would have helped me, seeing as I am her best friend and I have looked after her many times.What should I do? Why am I so angry? How can I put this behind me? Am I being judgmental?L., 18Dear L.,I'm sorry you are struggling. This is very painful. But I have to tell you -- I think you are more clear than you are willing to admit to yourself about why you're upset with T. For starters, you suggest that she did something with a guy you like. She lied to you. She didn't take care of you when you got drunk. She dominates conversations and doesn't give you space. Yet you write that you don't know why you're angry at her? I do.You know that thing she does where she gets really upset about what a bad person/friend she is? I understand why you feel sorry for her, but you need to also see it from another perspective. When she does that, it does not give you any space to explain what's bothering you. She ends up dominating yet again, and you have to take care of her. If she really wanted to let you have space to talk about your problems in the friendship, she'd actually let you -- but by crying and making it all about her, she's doing the opposite.I'm not saying she's a bad person. But I do think you need to face the reality that you are upset with her, and you have the right to be.I think you guys have just grown apart. And that's really normal - at lots of points in life. It's common for one girl to start partying and the other girl to feel put off by some of those choices. It's not about being judgmental, it's about being different than she is. I wonder, though:  if T. were a better friend, would you really care as much about her crazy party behavior? Maybe, but I'd bet it would bug you less.I know you say you can't confront her, but I really think you should. If you absolutely can't, another strategy is to act like you're fine, except you'll probably eat yourself alive inside and maybe just get furious with her one day and do something a lot worse than confront her. Another possible choice is to ask for some space and try to have a different kind of friendship with her, while focusing on developing closer friendships with others.You are not here on this earth to clean up her messes and take care of her when her bad decisions mess up her friendships and her own life. Please, please, please don't get in the habit of rescuing people, and that includes people you date. If she's not the right friend, it may be time to move on, but at least give her the chance to repair by being specific about the things that have bothered you. I know it's hard but you can do it -- and if it doesn't work out, at least you know clearly that you gave it your best. Trust me, you don't want to regret later that you didn't try.I hope this helps. Good luck.