Fiona's Blog: Remembering the Grandmother I Loved and Admired
Last weekend, my grandma died. Her death taught me many things, but most of all, it made question the pressure put on those who are grieving to act a certain way.Even writing these words now, I have a hard time believing my grandma is gone. I was very close to her, and she will always be a part of who I am. I will always have her to thank for nurturing my creativity, my strength, and my independence.My grandma was relatively young compared to other people's grandparents, and she always seemed very contemporary. For most of my life, my grandma lived alone, but when I visited her apartment, it seemed full of love and joy.
Looking back on it, I now see what an independent woman my grandmother was. She was a groundbreaker. She created a life for herself by herself, and that is something I really admire. I never questioned her situation—although most of my friends certainly didn't have grandmothers like her—and I applaud her for setting the example she did, and convincing me it was normal. Her presence in my life contributed greatly to my thinking about women’s independence, and my openness to different lifestyles.
It is very hard to lose a grandparent. In many ways, grandparents define our childhood, and their deaths mark a change from child to adult. When I lost my grandma, I lost someone who loved me unconditionally, who would always be proud of me no matter what…someone who would always take my side.Our society doesn’t prepare us much for death. We see it depicted dramatically in movies, plays, and books, but we rarely discuss it with one another. Unlike with other human rites of passage, such as birth and pregnancy, people rarely start conversations with the sentence, “When I die…” In this way, none of us is truly prepared for it to happen, which is ridiculous when you think about it, because death is the one thing we can all count on happening. When I heard my grandma had passed away, I didn’t know how to feel. I felt extremely sad, but I also felt a little bit numb. I had a vague idea of how I was supposed to act, but I didn’t feel like acting that way.
In movies, people cry for a long time when someone dies. Sometimes they yell things like, “Say it isn’t so!” or “I can’t go on!” They don’t eat or speak much. Then, they enter a so-called “grieving stage” where they walk around looking like hell and wearing all black. They can’t smile for days.
The night my grandma died, I did cry quite a bit, but I didn’t feel like yelling anything. I felt like taking the dog to the park, watching Project Runway, ordering Chinese food and cuddling with my mother. And while my mother and I cried that night, we also made each other laugh really hard. We enjoyed each others' company. For the next few days, I felt sad, but it wasn’t a consistent feeling. I was able to smile and laugh, and sometimes I felt like nothing had happened. Then, at times, the sadness would hit me, but the feeling rarely came when I expected it.When people told me they were sorry for my loss, I didn’t feel sad. But, for some reason, as I sat in my Modern Latin American History class the Monday after her death, I felt devastated. I learned that grief has no reason or logic. It crops up when you least expect it, but it also allows you to have breaks of peace and sometimes joy.
I’m sure everyone grieves differently, and so maybe there are people who actually feel the way those actors in movies do. But, I think there are a lot of people, like me, who can’t relate to that depiction of death. I wish our society discussed death more openly, and presented us with more portrayals of grief.
Sometimes I felt guilty for not acting the way I’d seen other people act. Sometimes, I felt guilty for laughing, when in reality, I know that’s all my grandma would have wanted me to do.I will miss her more than I can put into words, but I know that I will carry everything she taught me into the rest of my life. Even in her death, my grandmother helped me be a groundbreaker.Fiona Lowenstein is a high school junior, Girls Leadership Institute alumna and weekly guest blogger. Learn more about her work and adventures here.